The new year post that came late.

Going away for 4 months, 120 days, is sufficient for me to come home another person. Things change, I change. So many things are wrong now. I try not to think about them because at the same time there are many reasons existing for me to be completely happy and grateful. But I can’t let go of these unfortunate events, they are like rocks in my heart, pulling me down to the river with its weight, I feel like I am sinking, drowning, and in need of oxygen.

I want to cry, I’ve never felt so ugly or twisted or incomplete in my life. Even when I was through some depressing shit in 2009, it was okay, I still held myself together, not flawlessly, but I got all the pieces right. Then 2010 came along and it was horrible beyond words. I try not to talk about it, I try to keep a positive outlook, I worked real hard to make my life right. And it did seem better, I did learn a lot, I did become stronger.

But one fact remains.

Now that there are no more shits. Now that 2010 ended. Now that everything is over. I look at myself in horror because I’m so wasted. I seriously want to grab someone and ask, how can things still be the same after so much bad has happened. Can you understand, I have turned into someone that I don’t recognise, and not in a good way. I’ve become so ugly. I can’t comprehend how a normal person, yes I still regard myself as normal, can have so much self hate, self loathe. So much like a big pot of boiling acid enough to melt a city away.

This is it, yes. 2010 was horrible, I survived. Now that it’s all over, I let go, because I have no strength to hang on anymore, and when I let go, I see that I am about to land in somewhere dark.