I guess I really did it this time

I have a problem. And I hate myself for it. It’s similar as the one many others face, the difference being a slight shift in circumstances. But that small turn, that tiny angle is enough for a million other calculations, leading me to a completely different place. In this place, I have nothing to be proud of anymore. There will never ever be a person, even one with the most sarcasm, who will say they wished they were as sick as me.

I do not stand in isolation. But like all the other things I have to deal with right now, whatever outcome to this situation is solely based on my own actions. And like all the others, before I can start attacking it, or before I can start accepting it, the hardest part is right now, forgiving myself for letting it happen. Forgiving myself, when I hate myself so ruthlessly I wish I could tear myself apart.

I was in the midst of all the wrong doings today. You know that feeling? Stuck at the wrong place doing the wrong thing. You know that it’s wrong, because if it was right it wouldn’t bug you enough to make you feel that guilt like a blade, sawing your stomach raw. I felt like I was being possessed, because really, literally, I looked at the mirror and couldn’t recognize myself. My heart whispered who is this, but I was afraid of answering.

I dropped down to my knees and prayed.

I was enlightened 3 mouths later. And suddenly I could see it all so clearly, all that were once opaque. But each and every detail suspended in a very visible light doesn’t mean things are suddenly okay. I know I was in big trouble from that bleeding stomach, but I did not actually know how much shit I was in.

I half wished now, that someone could come along and help me do my dirty work. But an enchanting flutter of eyelashes from a certain someone that I now find absolute beauty, tells me that this is something I have to take personal responsibility for.

I am doing a brave and right decision, I know that through a gut feeling. And although, like I’ve mentioned in the beginning, this is my own battle to fight, I wish that someone, if not doing my dirty work, could come give me a silent flow of strength through good company. Yes, I need it. I want to go home.

# Well, hell-o, my first fucking challenge of year 2011.