Little black dress

I was born imperfect, with flaws and weakness and a character that people feel fair loathing. Since young, I always coveted other people, being prettier, being smarter, being a great big bitch and people liked them anyways. I tried really hard, I struggled to be that perfect me that I play constantly in my brain. I felt all that resentment, of I can never ever be what I want, how can people be that so easily while I climb and fall and climb and fall and never seem to get an inch higher than where I was.

I blamed peopled, I am angry, why do I always give so much but gets nothing back. I always told myself I deserve a lot more but people always give me nothing in return. Things never worked my way, life was difficult and I would go through everyday feeling the pain and feeling the dread of time passing so slowly. I couldn’t rest, I was constantly being tired, I was fed up with myself

But all of that changed. Because I’m 17 now. Today is my birthday, a very memorable day to me, because 17 years ago, this wonderful creature I call mum gave me life, she gave me the opportunity to taste candy, smell flowers, see rainbows, touch hearts and feel warmth, she also gave me the opportunity to decide the purpose of my life and how I am going to live it. I’m 17 today.

I’ve taken a very big step since I was 16, and I swear I will never go back. Throughout this year, I learned many things. I learned to accept my own imperfectness and recognize it as something absolutely unique about myself. I ran away from where I was sitting complaining about the things I don’t have and try with all my might to improve myself instead. I learn to give all my love and care to my friends and expect nothing back. And last but not least, I learned to love myself for who I am, because it hit me like a bolt of lightning one day that, if I don’t love myself, how can people love me?

Today is my 17th birthday, I went and had an awesome birthday dinner with my sister. I wore a little black dress and pearl earrings. I wanted it to be a proper goodbye, kiss that old Briana goodbye and welcome this healthier, happier self that I absolutely adore. I want to kiss myself all over, this is not conceit, this is a new found self respect I have for myself. A little black dress and pearl earrings to mourn for that dead 16 year old, I won’t forget her, because she made me me.  She made me stronger, I am a fighter.

The world will never change, it will always be what it is now, but how I see the world changed, and I changed myself. My 17th birthday is the happiest one I had since birth, and it happened because I expected nothing. It happened because I get exhilarated by every single wish and counted my blessings one by one. I might have a lot less but I have a lot more because of my new found gratitude. 

That time when I expected friends to do a lot for me, I got the least then. And right now when I expect nothing from them while I give them all I have, I got the most. I love all of them, my classmates, my boyfriend, my best friends, my friends, everyone, they make it so special I want to cry. My birthday passed really fast this year, I guess it’s cause I’m really happy. No, I am certain I am very happy.

A little black dress, to say goodbye to the sweet sixteen Bree, and all of the things you guys did for me (the hugs and kisses the songs and wishes, oh, and the presents!) to welcome this very new sexay 17 year old.

I turn 17 today. In my brain I can clearly see myself being so lively and happy in the following year, where as in my heart, I’m so filled with gratitude and love, nothing can ever go wrong again.

Happy 17th birthday Briana, I am so proud of you right now.

p/s: I’ll post my thank-you list next post kay? (: