Against the world

Somewhere in between, we found a gap, a loosely shaded line.

An opportunity for choice, an escape for the very strained friendship weighed down by responsibilities, regrets and wrong timings.

We are liars, we lie to ourselves. We allow ourselves to venture close enough to that door, while making excuses for the one we left behind, while making excuses for ourselves. Like as if we really didn’t know what we were doing.

For once I feel like I’m the one who is more naive out of the two, the younger one with more reckless blood.
Or maybe I’m just a better liar.

Looking back, I see how I was pushing the limits bit by bit, going further inch by inch, all in the name of some seemingly innocent excuse. But you were stronger, you turned back. Once, twice, thrice … … you walked back and forth, back and forth while I waited by the door, feeling disappointed each time I saw your back.

We were this close. And you know it.

I wonder where would we be today if we actually went pass that door. But does that matter?

I can’t predict the future. Our lives changes its course with all the tiny nods we make and all the small steps we take. But to justify my decision, I tell myself I know your responsible self, that you will never be able to forgive yourself for abandoning someone. You will end up hating yourself and hating me and then I will be heartbroken and we will ruin everything we ever had.

I try my best to tell myself that I’m noble, that I am doing the right thing.
But sometimes even I feel like that’s the lousiest lie in the world.

Today, I give up. Because sometimes, loving someone is taking a step back.

So here we go, Cheers, to being best friends forever.