R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Maybe it's the apple cider.

I taste acid in my mouth, and I am feeling a bit uneasy. My stomach feels like it's going to drop off my butt.

And then, maybe it's you.

Or then, maybe it's me.

I can no longer put my feelings into precise words. Or maybe it's just right now, my brain is overwhelmed with so many facts, my heart with so many feelings. And my imagination, who refuses to stay still, runs in the wild. All I could do was lay there and feel it, feel things I don't like but yet feeling every single one of them in my pulse, my nerves, down to every single cell. Pull myself up, and write here, to pull the imagination back and try concentrating instead. But I cannot, as you see, I fail to even write properly to tell you how I feel.

My stomach seriously feels ill. I can hear the Malay kakak outside washing my front porch. The water, the soap, the scratching sound of iron brushes against marble floors. My phone is beside me, 8 missed calls. But right now it doesn't matter. I'm sure my tears taste bitter but I can't afford to let them cascade down. I have this much dignity left. Call it stubborn, I might be a donkey for all I care.

It wasn't like this when I stood on the edge. Just looking down at the depths of the valley and smile, while taking pictures. Then she said, JUMP my friend JUMP! I said no, what if an accident happens and my parachute stops working. She said JUMP JUMP JUMP, if you don't you won't know what it is to FLY!

And that was it, it was a nice thought right? To fly. Such a beautiful dream. Such a beautiful word. So I took a deep breathe and DECIDED, then i closed my eyes and jumped. Jumped jumped jumped, like she told me to. No I shouldn't say that, no one can ever make you do things but yourself. I jumped. It was me.

So I fall and fall and fall. It was exhilarating you know. The wind on my face, my hair sweeping, my body feeling light as a feather. I was closing to the ground. I didn't want to use my parachute. I wanted more, I wanted you, I wanted to know. It was closing in. I can see it. I cry, and cry and cry and scream in agony. I had the choice to use my parachute my darling. But no, i believe, although foolish, i believe that there was no ground no end to hurt me. I'm scared, it's getting darker, I can almost feel the earth. My tears leaving the corner of my eyes, floating in the air like diamond glints. I was throwing and trashing, no, I wouldn't use my parachute.

I drop dead on the floor, breaking my delicate neck. Right before landing , I started laughing hysterically, and if you look closely at my dead face, you can see the ghost of my last laugh etched on it.

Let me tell you, even if this ends, i am determined to have the last laugh.

And let me tell you, this is precisely how I feel right now.

remember me?

Bree.