I wanted to write about it, but I know that I am always loose with words, it could be quite brutal sometimes. Kenn says why don’t I write it at his blog. No, if I would write about something that I lost, it would be in my blog.
I was so lost in translation, but after a good night’s sleep, and a clear awake mind this moment, I am going to write about the things I never told you, because I care, and I still do, just so if you ever decide things could end in a better way than how you left it right now.
The problem was always there, I saw it right from the beginning, maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, but we got together anyway. And it was fun,because you’re decent. But I’m going to tell you what I hate about you, I hate that you’re insensitive, I hate that you think that what we’re doing is like is some fun thing that you don’t have to pay a price for, I hate that you being so naive spoke words that are far from true, making is sound like some soap opera love, I was being realistic from the beginning to end, and so I never promised you forever and always like how you did.
Because, you’re just a kid.
My friends might get it when I say that you’re a kid, or they might not. But it’s okay, as long as one person understands, it’s enough, so that I wouldn’t get the blame for screwing things up. Kenn was the one who picked up my call in the middle of the night and he gets it. He did after all, sat with you during From 3.
We’ve been together for more than 6 months, the ending of it did not hurt me, but the thought of how little you meant after the break up made me a little sad. I jumped in too fast, and you proposed too soon. I couldn’t help but regret the slightest for saying yes, because the fun would’ve lasted a little longer if we stopped at the part when you couldn’t stop texting me. And giving me funny looks across the hallway.
I was so angry last night, I had acid boiling inside my stomach underneath my night gown. I thought I was going to burn a hole through my mattress and fall through it because I was radiating heat. I am angry, angry, angry that you don’t understand. This is a relationship, but not the kind that is lingering inside your brain, not some game little boys like you play. And when you told me about the problem that I noticed right from the beginning and blaming me for it, that was when I lost it, because maybe you didn’t notice, I understood what a relationship meant, I did bother to work for it, I did try to make ends meet, I’m never the girl who says yes to people then let things screw up while not making an effort to make things right.
I was pissed off last night I was. After all that I have done, you’re so clueless you don’t understand at all. You’re like a kid, through this six months, there wasn’t a moment when I didn’t feel like I was taking care of someone younger who I had affection for. That’s why when you said things like “I’ll let you go..” my first thought was sinking my teeth right into your flesh like I did last time, and making sure it hurt this time. I was angry, and why shouldn’t I, when you just. don’t. understand. My anger is derived from frustration. of all the things you never did, because you didn’t know you’re supposed to.
I will only give credit to you for being nice, for being really nice underneath it all. That is the only thing that I am grateful for right now. That even though you’re a kid, you ain’t no jerk bastard or asshole, I’ve heard too much about those. That even though you thought that our relationship was some dramatic ass, you were decent enough to say “I don’t want you to suffer”, I hope you know that that means nothing to me. Because I have a perfect heart here that you did not leave no scratch, no scar no blood. That even though this ends, I wasn’t sad or hurt but angry, and look, the anger I had last night only lasted for as long as a phone call with Kenn, and after a good night’s sleep, I am brand new today. Today, I am clean hard and sharp, if you know what that means.
I am going to say sorry for the way I talked to you last night. it wasn’t my usual classy self. But I am NOT sorry for everything I said. Because I meant what I say, and I know that what I say is true. At least, true from my side of the story. Maybe you think you’re smarter in this, but don’t forget, this whole thing was one big point to prove that you’re just a kid.
It started beautifully, it was exhilarating, it was, and I think my biggest regret would be that a kid like you didn’t have enough BALLS to tell it to my face, but chose to end it over MSN.
You didn’t get to know me well enough, I hope that this post will let you have a glimpse of the girl you claimed you LOVED. That speaks her mind, that won’t pretend to be nice and curse you under her breath, that won’t smile to you even when I don’t like you. I know that the people who cares doesn’t need my explanation, and the people who don’t care won’t believe what I say here. When I decided to write this, I invite myself to everyone’s judgement. But it is my choice not to give two shits.
This is me and my friends know it. So here’s goodbye, this is called breaking up, and I forgive you for the promises that you broke. Look at what I wrote and then, try not to feel the guilt that you told me you felt last night.
xoxo.
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