Confessions: I keep on falling in and out

Been having a mix of good days and bad days this week.



Are you a blessing or are you karma of my sins?

I wish I could trust the people I love, I wish I could trust you. And today when I sneaked out behind your back with the culprit to do what I had to do, I felt the shame, I really did. I wanted to tell you, but I am afraid that you’ll use it as a weapon against me. I’ve tried so many times, I can count them one by one for you to hear, how I let you in and how you tear me down. I’m not an idiot, neither am I retarded, but you lie right to my face. Trying to hide the fact of you betraying me and to trying pretend that nothing is wrong, I had to put up that fucking understanding smile of mine to assure you that I am perfectly fine with all that shit. How am I to tell you what’s happening now, when you always abuse my trust for you. You always make it so hard for me, because of who you are. I would be ice queen by now if it was anyone else, but because it’s you, my heart still beats. There are times when I had to choose what is right or what I really wanted to do, but for your case, I don’t know what is right anymore. Just because I want to make you happy and I never ever want to be your burden. To change yourself to suit my lifestyle, is something I can never ever let you do, because I’m not selfish and I think more for you than for myself. I love you but it is so difficult to accommodate everything you’ve ever done and still doing, I have a big heart, an even bigger one for you, but I don’t think I can wrap up all your flaws, deal with it and at the same time plaster that smile that was once sincere.

I didn’t choose you, you decided on me. Now tell me again why should I pay the price? Why should I carry you and your weight? I’m tired babe.

p/s: Because, it’s damn hard, being the best girl you’ve ever had