In the dark

I'm feeeling alot lately, like, in a sudden the rain washes away the colors i painted on my face and my skin tingles again, the senses are coming back.

The phone rings, once, twice, thrice, the caller is agitated. I stay numb, even when I know I should pick it up. It goes dalalalalang dalalalalang, I crawled over and answered, emitting a silent sigh, I wish I could put it off forever.

I ended the conversation with a "mwah, i love you", you didn't notice, well, at least I didn't sense any dejected tone in you. Feels like a routine, I go in circles, lost count, I know I didn't mean to say I Love You or to pick up the phone, but somehow I did, because I have to, it's the least I could do. My face was twisted for a spilt second, a spasm of I don't know what. Sadness? Maybe.

I feel waves of emotions, just when I'm back to my life that passes like everyone else, where I procrastinate, rush on deadlines, trying to find a path buried by truckloads of homework I end up here, again. Stuck, unwillingly, or maybe I'm lifeless. I don't know, it doesn't matter. I covet for my boring bimbo life where I just live for the minute thinking about nothing, it's starting to fade away again.

I went for a camp where we had to do nightwalk. The forest was dark, I was blind, i can't see my hands, suddenly not being able to see my own face in daylight wasn't as bad. I hear my breathing, my heartbeat. I was holding on to a string, it felt like a thread, so breakable, so un bearable. I have no one beside me, just me and the thread. So lonely, I hear echoes inside my head. I gripped tightly to it, please bring me out, I'm afraid, I whispered. I trip I fall I stumble, my hand still gripping tightly, the thread, so thin, is all I have. I saw faint brief lights, I felt safer, I thot that someone was beside me, I walked and saw clearer that it was just fireflies, I slumped into greater fear and depression. I never let loose, my palms sweating, I know if I let go, I'll fall, swolen by darkness.

How a simple activity clicks with reality. So near, so close, so true. It made me think again. I was in a nightmare so I day-dreamed about something beautiful and that made me forget about myself, but today it came back, it sucked me in, back to where I use to be.

I'm ok, people have to move on, I'm strong, just like my name. A friend once told me briana means the strong one. I know in my heart that I'll make it, anyhow, who else is there to seek help from? the thread doesn't count!